Spontaneity

Presidents day gave us a well needed 4 day weekend. (Business majors get Fridays off) Big things happened this weekend. Hearts were broken, tattoos were recieved, vomit was projectiled, bridges were burned, and trips were made.

It began on Thursday. Was an average day of 3 hours of class except I took a midterm. Pretty stoked that my professor told me in office hours “just write what we have discussed and youl be chillen” I had no plans for the night until I recieved “Roll over” from one of my buddies Ponyboy. Awnsering the call of duty, I found myself sprinting to their house in a tank top I cut from an old gap shirt that says “Trashed” with a picture of Charlie Brown sitting baboozled in a pile of garbage, and a sailors hat. This was a scene in of itself. Arriving, out of breath, I was welcomed by the crew: Ponyboy, Sidewinder, wolf, chewy, and  mentor (all fourth years). There was also sidewinder’s brother and another freshman (who happens to live in the same dorm room I was In last year).

Obviously we began gunning some brewskies and partaking in the usual beer die, 4 bangers, and pong. The older crew minus 1 all went downtown to the bars leaving the rest of us behind. A couple drunken decisions later I find myself in the dorm hall I lived in last year harrassing all the sober freshman who do not partake in alcohal consumption and/or social festivities. After “allegedly” causing an altercation, I was promptly “escorted” out of the building. I ended up there in the first place because I was added to the “Tower 2015/2016” Facebook group in which I posted “Hi everyone, I just moved in. I’m very excited to meet everyone”. And so I went to go meet them.

Getting back to the house, I was one again welcomed by a full crew plus others. Randy (who i almost fought for hitting on his girlfriend at a different party) was puking in the toilet being taken care of by none other than his girlfriend. Another girl Marissa was there and she was “taking care” of me. All of a sudden! “Wtf Mentor you peed all over my bed” we all run in there and see the puddle of piss on and beneath wolfs bed and a passed out mentor in his own. Mentors girlfriend was sober  standing in the hall over seeing the shitshow. At this point everyone wants to go to bed and we are all trying to figure out the sleeping arrangements. We decided to put mentor in wolfs bed with the piss, and wolf in mentors. Sidewinder was in charge of this translocation. Only problem was that mentors drunken stubbornness resulted In teeth clenching sidewinder’s nipple. Screaming sidewinder scurried away to tend to his wound. He returned verbally destroying mentors drunken behavior. After, he looks mentors girl dead in the eye and says “I don’t know why you are still here, he is going to break up with you on tuesday”. Overhearing the absurdity of this remark, I idmediatly burst into laughter not realizing the truth behind the statement. She ended up ubering home. And broken up with the next morning as well. I was just making through my normal friday when “who wants to watch me get a tattoo” – mentor. Appeared on my phone. Obviously I was going to join. Fast forward to 1 tattoo and 2 meals later around 11 pm.

“Who wants to go to “Yosemite?” – Mentor. I joined, of course and after much debate about the weather (went from -12 degrees to 57) and where we will stay (in a campground). With our Patagonias packed and brews chilled, we made headway on an empty road at 12pm. We stayed at my house about halfway through our journey. Woke up at 8 and arrived at 11. I was already 4 beers in by the time we set up our camp which consisted of a tent, 2 lawn chairs, a bear locker for our food which was only goober jelly, granola, cliff bars, and a loaf of bread. To stay hydrated for the entirety of our stay, we now had 26 beers.

Once our camp was set, we shotgunned as required by ritual. We then sipped on brews and wandered about the valley meadow on foot. Veering of the tourist path, we paralleled the river which led us facing certain death, a pack of wild Yotes. Protected only by the width of the river (~15 feet) we sat down and stared as the three coyotes,( 2 vicious and 1 we deemed borderline retarded) bawled out on each other. After the spectacle and a few more beers later we saw a pile of rocks (500-700 feet tall) beneath a little east of El capitan. Stripping down of our restricting clothes, jeans and shirts, conquered that mountain in nothing but our underwear, boots and determination.

After shotgunning at the top, and taking some awesome pictures, we made our way back down, retrieved our clothes and stumbled back into camp. We only had 6 beers remaining now with 2/3 hours of daylight left and countless tourists to harrass. Retrieving our Cohibas and lawn chairs we went back to the meadow and sat down a little of the path. Beers and cigars in hand and the sunset behind us. Perfect view of half dome and appalled tourists realizing their cliche pictured were ruined because two drunks smoking cigars in lawn chairs. We sat their for around 3 hours before one again going back to camp.

After spending what seemed like two hours trying to get a fire going, the people who shared a campsite with us returned with firewood and promptly began what we started. We sat there the rest of the night talking. One of the guys biked 49 states on a bicycle hauling a trailer for a year and a half. Another guy was a high liner form Brazil and has been in the u.s traveling highlining for the past 6 months. Pretty cool stuff and a great end to the weekend.

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Bonding

Bonding

Fall quarter my second year was an easy one and I was pledging the middle ranked fraternity Jay Weasled me into. This resulted in a perpetual state of drunken Mayhem which always ended in me being tied up on the floor by none other than Jay.

The best one happened on the day before I was going to head home for thanksgiving break. It was a big day and I was stoked because I was attempting the 30 rack challenge. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s drinking a whole case of beer. I got not other than Busch light of course. Fired off at 8:37 am by shotgunning in the shower, by 11am I was 17 deep and jamming out on a guitar, screeching country music in a slurred state of conciousness. About 1:30 pm (23 deep) Jay decides to cook some pasta. (It was bulk season at the time). Being the amazing human being I am decided to help the guy out. So I tossed the pasta in the pot of boiling water. Only problem was it was still in its plastic packaging, Jay was standing right next to it and I was halfway across the room. Splatters all over Jay. The ensuing scuffle depleted the little energy I had left and rendered me unconcious on the couch.

2:14am I arise from my slumber, body motion completely inhibited. I began to shout to summon aid. None came. Somehow I managed to aquire my phone, hands still duck taped together. After going through dozens of missed calls texts and group mes, i came to the conclusion everyone went home from break leaving me to my doom tide up on the couch.

So what did I do? Opened up tindr. At first it was lame as always but tonight was differnt. I found a diamond in the rough. A new match she was and it wasn’t just any other match. It was Brittany. (She later on made Tfm girls top 10, no joke) I of course used my infamous opening line “Oh man oh man” followed by two “heart eyes” emojis. To my suprise, I received a prompt response. I didn’t think my next question through but it was “What are you doing up so late?” She briskly shot the same question back at me and since honesty is the best policy I filled her in with the preceding events and my current state of physical being. She then asked “How can I help?” And I knew at that moment I was in. This girls is incredibly beautiful. In the way you’d go monogamous for, we’ll at least a little bit. I was stoked because I knew she was going to come over expecially after she asked where I lived.

But like I said before, it was now around 3am on the last day before turkey break. Taking a closer peak at her profile I realized she was 246 miles away… game over.

Don’t worry I still escaped my untimely death though, Jay left a knife on a computer chair close by and I was able to free myself. Lame though, Brittany would have done a better job.

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“Suck my Dick” -Jay

“Suck my Dick” -Jay

Every morning starts of the same way. About 9:30 to 10:30ish, I wake up and am promptly asked in some variation, “Yo, Can you suck my dick?”
“No”
“Dude come on you know you want to”
“Definitly not”
“Come on, just real quick”
“Nope”
“It’s ganna happen eventually just get it over with… and then again like tomorrow”
At this point I’m laughing and this back and forth continues intermixed with other pointless conversations.
“John… John… JOHN”
“What?”
“Can you suck my dick?”
“No”
“Ok but can you do me a favor real quick?”
“What?”
“Can you suck my dick?”

Explanation

  • I was studying plato, “the republic” in the library with my roomate Jay. We were bashing on our other roomate’s, Dylan and Eli, stupidity. Will go more in depth in a differnt post. Anyway, I then brought up a story about how my now ex-academic mentor, was blacked out of his mind, with a full blown megaphone, who’s only review on amazon was “I was able to direct 794 kindergardners into lines at a charity event”, in 4 inch inseem camo Chuby shorts, was directing traffic at the main intersection of our school. Some notable quotes from this scene are: “Subaru Left! (No I’m going right) GO LEFT! *it went left” and “Don’t worry officer I have it under control, I’m ganna be a firefighter and I have a fullish can of dip in my pocket”. Or at least that’s what he attempted to say. Back to the point, I want to share this ridiculous shit I go through with whoever will read it.

Welcome

Welcome to the Journey of a man with three first names. I’m not giving you my name so please don’t try to figure it out. If you do, keep it to yourself please. First off i am a terrible speller. Leave if it upsets you, probably arnt chill anyways. I will 100% be politicaly incorrect and my response to that is you should of swiped to the side of your political leanings. So I am  student at a prestigous university in California. Mediocre high school grades, but excellent sat/act scored me in. Our 7s are your 10s. I’m a second year and I use the zip code to rate women with the max at 999: face, body, personality. Iv had a lot of adventures, 57 women, 2 girlfriends, and 1 terrified mother.